Flogs

Award winning Joke

2007-06-30T13:44:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, May 11, 2007 10:03 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Award winning Joke!

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are

always

getting into trouble and their parents know all

about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are

probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had

been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak

with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them

individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the

morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the

younger boy down and asked him sternly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response,

sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even

sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher

raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and

bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran

directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what

happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We

are in BIG trouble this time.

........................

("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

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GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Strange deaths

2007-06-30T13:35:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, May 11, 2007 10:03 AM
To:
Subject:

Death by Embracing the Reflection of the Moon

Chinese poet Li Po (701-706) is regarded as one of the two greatest poets in China's literary history. He was well known for his love of liquor and often spouted his greatest poems while drunk.

One night, Li Po fell from his boat and drowned in the Yangtze River while trying to embrace the reflection of the moon in the water.

Death by Beard

Austrian Hans Steininger was famous for having the world's longest beard (it was 4.5 feet or nearly 1.4 m long) and for dying because of it.

One day in 1567, there was a fire in town and in his haste Hans forgot to roll up his beard. He accidentally stepped on his beard, lost balance, stumbled, broke his neck and died!

Death From Holding a Pee In

Danish nobleman and astronomer Tycho Brahe [wiki] was one interesting fellow. He kept a dwarf as a court jester who sat under the table during dinner. He even had a tame pet moose.

Tycho also lost the tip of his nose in a duel with another Danish nobleman and had to wear a "dummy" nose made from silver and gold, but that's another story.

It was said that Tycho had to hold his pee during one particularly long banquet in 1601 (getting up in the middle of a dinner was considered really rude) that his bladder, strained to its limits, developed an infection which later killed him!

Later analyses suggested that Tycho died because of mercury poisoning but that's not nearly as interesting as the original story.

Death by Conductor's Cane

While conducting the hymnal Te Deum for French King Louis XIV in 1687, Jean-Baptiste Lully was so focused in keeping the rhythm by banging a staff against the floor (this was the method before conductor's baton came into use), that he struck his toe hard but refused to stop.

The toe developed an abscess, which later turned gangrenous, but Lully refused to have it amputated. The gangrene spread and killed the stubborn musician.
Ironically, the hymn he was conducting was in celebration of the recovery of Louis XIV from an illness.

Death by Dessert

King Adolf Frederick [wiki] of Sweden loved to eat and died from it too!

The "King Who Ate Himself to Death" died in 1771 at the age of 61 from a digestive problem after eating a giant meal consisting of lobster, caviar, saurkraut, cabbage soup, smoked herring, champagne and 14 servings of his favorite dessert: semla [wiki], a bun filled with marzipan and milk.

Death by Jury Demonstration

After the Civil War, controversial Ohio politician Clement Vallandigham [wiki] became a highly successful lawyer who rarely lost a case.

In 1871, he defended Thomas McGehan who was accused of shooting one Tom Myers during a barroom brawl. Vallandigham's defense was that Myers had accidentally shot himself while drawing his pistol from a kneeling position.

To convince the jury, Vallandigham decided to demonstrate his theory. Unfortunately, he grabbed a loaded gun by mistake and ended up shooting himself!

By dying, Vallandigham succeeded in demonstrating the plausibility of the accidental shooting and got his client acquitted.

Death from Biting One's Tongue

Allan Pinkerton (1819-1884)[wiki], famous for creating the Pinkerton detective agency and developing investigative techniques such as surveilling a suspect and doing undercover work, died of an infection after biting his tongue when he slipped on a sidewalk!

Death from Stubbing One's Toe

Famous Tennessee whiskey distiller Jack Daniel [wiki] decided to come in to work early one morning in 1911. He wanted to open his safe but couldn't remember the combination. In anger, Daniel kicked the safe and injured his toe, which later developed an infection that killed him!

Moral of the story? Don't go to work early.

Death by Orange Peel

Bobby Leach [wiki] wasn't afraid to court death: in 1911, he was the second person in the world to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel. The daredevil went on to perform many other death-defying stunts, so his death is especially ironic.

One day while walking down a street in New Zealand, Leach slipped on a piece of orange peel. He broke his leg so badly it had to be amputated. Leach died due to complications that developed afterwards.

Death by Overcoat Parachute Failure

In 1911, French tailor Franz Reichelt decided to test his invention, a combination overcoat and parachute, by jumping off the Eiffel Tower. Actually, he told the authorities that he would use a dummy, but at the last minute decided to test it himself. It was no surprise that he fell to his death.

There's even a YouTube clip of his fatal jump.

Death by 1) Poison, 2) Gunshot Wound (4x), 3) Beating by Clubs, 4) Drowning.

According to legends, Russian mystic Grigori Rasputin (1869-1916) was first poisoned with enough cyanide to kill ten men, but he wasn't affected.

So his killers shot him in the back with a revolver. Rasputin fell but later revived. So, he was shot again three more times, but Rasputin still lived. He was then clubbed, and for good measure thrown into the icy Neva River.

Rasputin was finally dead for good.

Death by Baseball

Cleveland Indians shortstop Ray Chapman [wiki] was killed by a baseball pitch.

At that time, baseball pitchers dirtied up a ball before it was thrown at the batter to make it harder to see. On August 6, 1920 in a game against the New York Yankees, Carl Mays pitched such a ball towards Chapman that fatally hit his skull.

Death by Scarf

"Mother of modern dance" Isadora Duncan [wiki] was killed in 1927 by her trademark scarf she loved to wear:

As the New York Times noted in its obituary of the dancer on 15 September 1927, "The automobile was going at full speed when the scarf of strong silk began winding around the wheel and with terrific force dragged Miss Duncan, around whom it was securely wrapped, bodily over the side of the car, precipitating her with violence against the cobblestone street. She was dragged for several yards before the chauffeur halted, attracted by her cries in the street. Medical aid was summoned, but it was stated that she had been strangled and killed instantly."

Death by Garbage

Homer and Langley Collyer [wiki] were compulsive hoarders. The two brothers had a fear of throwing anything away and obsessively collected newspapers and other junk in their house. They even set up booby-traps in corridors and doorways to protect against intruders.

In 1947, an anonymous tip called that there was a dead body in the Collyer house, and after much initial difficulty getting in, the police found Homer Collyer dead and Langley no where to be found. About two weeks later, after removing nearly 100 tons of garbage from the house, workers found Langley Collyer's partialy decomposed (and rat-chewed) body just 10 feet away from where they had found his brother.

Apparently, Langley had been crawling through tunnels of newspapers to bring food to his paralyzed brother when he set off one of his own booby-traps. Homer died several days later from starvation.

Death at a Talk Show

Jerome Irving Rodale [wiki] was a proponent of healthy eating. He was an early advocate for organic farming and sustainable agriculture, founder of Organic Farming and Gardening magazine and Rodale Press.

After bragging that he would "live to 100, unless I'm run down by a a sugar-crazy taxi driver", Rodale died of a heart attack while being interviewed on the Dick Cavett Show in 1971. Appearing fast asleep, Dick Cavett joked "Are we boring you, Mr. Rodale?" before discovering that his 72-year-old guest had indeed died. The show was never aired.

Death by Suicide During a Live TV News Broadcast

Christine Chubbuck [wiki] was the first and only TV news reporter to commit suicide during a live television broadcast.

On July 15, 1974, eight minutes into the broadcast, the depressed reporter said "In keeping with Channel 40's policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts, and in living color, you are going to see another first: an attempted suicide. " With that, Chubbuck drew up a revolver and shot herself in the head.

Death on the Toilet

There are several examples of death on the toilet, but that of Elvis Presley (1935 - 1977) was the most famous.

The King of Rock 'n Roll was found lying on the floor of his Graceland mansion's bathroom after throwing up while being seated on the toilet, taking care of business.

Doctors attributed his death to a heart attack from weight gain and taking too many prescription drugs.

Death by Robot

Robert Williams [wiki] was the first man ever killed by a robot. On January 25, 1979, Williams climbed into a storage rack at the Ford Motor's Flat Rock casting plant to retrieve a part because the parts-retrieval robot malfunctioned. Suddenly, the robot reactivated and slammed its arm into Williams' head, killing him instantly.

The second death by robot happened just a couple of years afterwards in 1981. Kenji Urada [wiki], a 37-year-old Japanese maintenance engineer was working on a broken robot at a Kawasaki plant when he failed to turn it off. The robot's mechanical arm accidentally pushed him into a grinding machine.

Death by Decapitation by Helicopter Rotor Blades

Actor Vic Morrow [wiki] died on the set of Twilight Zone: The Movie when a helicopter spun out of control due to special effect explosions, crashed, and decapitated him with its rotor blades.

Two other child actors also died at the event, which triggered a massive reform in US child labor laws and safety regulations on movie sets.

Death by Cactus

In 1982, 27-year-old David Grundman and a roommate decided to do a little "cactus plugging," by shooting the desert plant with a shotgun.

The first one, a small cactus, went off without a hitch and Grundman was encouraged to try a larger prey: a 26-foot-tall Saguaro cactus, probably a 100-year-old plant. Unfortunately, Grundman blasted off a large chuck of the cactus that fell on him and crushed him to death!

To date, this was probably the only known instance of revenge killing by a plant.

Death by Bottle Cap

American playwright Tennessee Williams [wiki] died in 1983 after he choked on a bottle cap in his hotel room. Yes, he had been drinking.

Death by Drowning at a Lifeguards' Party.

In 1985, to celebrate their first drowning-free season ever, the lifeguards of the New Orleans recreation department decided to throw themselves a party.

When the party ended, a 31-year-old guest named Jerome Moody was found dead on the bottom of the recreation department's pool.

We suppose when it's your time to go, then it's your time to go: there were four lifeguards on duty and more than half of the 200 party-goers were themselves lifeguards!

Death on Stage, While Telling a Joke

Dick Shawn (1924-1987) was a comedian who had a heart attack and died during a joke that seemed strangely appropriate:

He was making fun of politicians by saying campaign cliches ending with "I will not lay down on the job!" Shawn then laid down on the floor face down. At first, the audience thought that it was all part of the show, until some time later a theater employee checked him for a pulse and began administering CPR.

The paramedics then arrived, and the audience were told to go home - Dick Shawn was dead.

Death by Belly Slam.

British pro wrestler Mal "King Kong" Kirk died underneath the big belly of Shirley "Big Daddy" Crabtree.

In August 1987, during the final moments of the match, Crabtree delivered his signature "Belly-Splash" move (basically jumping up and down, slamming his belly onto a guy) on Kirk, who then had a heart attack and died.

Crabtree was cleared after it was revealed that Kirk had a serious heart condition prior to the match. However, Crabtree blamed himself for Kirk's death and retired from pro wrestling.

Before the match, Kirk had told his friends: "If I have to go, I hope it is in the ring."

Death by Giant Umbrellas

In 1991, artists Christo and Jeanne-Claude put up an environmental installation art of thousands of giant yellow and blue umbrellas in California and Japan.

The giant umbrellas, which measured about 20 foot (6 m) in height, 28 foot (8.7 m) in diameter and weighed about 500 lb, became a huge tourist attraction.

Less than two months after the installation opened, Lori Rae Keevil-Mathews, a 33-year-old woman drove out to see the umbrellas in California. A wind gust uprooted one of the umbrellas and blew it straight at her, crushing her against a boulder and killing her.

Christo immediately ordered all of the umbrellas taken down. The umbrellas, however, took another life - this time in Japan. Crane operator Masaaki Nakamura was electrocuted when the machine's arm touched a 65,000-volt high-tension line when removing the umbrellas.

Death by Re-creation

In 1991, a 57-year-old Thai woman Yooket Paen was walking in her farm when she accidentally slipped on a cow dung, grabbed a naked live wire and got electrocuted to death.

Soon after Paen's funeral, her 52-year-old-sister Yooket Pan was showing her neighbors how the accident happened when she herself slipped, grabbed the same live wire and also got electrocuted to death!

Death by Sheep

In 1999, Betty Stobbs, 67, of Durham, England, took a bale of hay to feed her flock of sheep on the back of her motorcycle.

Apparently, the sheep were very hungry. About forty of them rushed the hay and knocked her off a cliff into a 100-feet deep quarry. Stobbs survived the fall only to be killed when the motorcycle, which was also knocked off the cliff, tumbled down after her.

Death by Necklace Bomb

On the afternoon of August 28, 2003, pizza deliveryman Brian Wells [wiki] tried to rob a bank with a home-made shotgun disguised as a cane.

When he was caught by the police, Wells revealed that he had been forced by some people he delivered pizza to earlier to rob the bank. A necklace with an explosive device was attached to his neck.

The necklace bomb blew up before the bomb squad could deactivate it (indeed, there was controversy whether the police took his story seriously and delayed calling the bomb squad). Until today, it's unclear whether Wells was a victim, a co-conspirator or the lone perpetrator of the robbery and subsequent death.

Update 3/12/07: Case solved, said the authorities, with indictments expected soon: Link

Death by Stingray

In 2006, Australian wildlife expert and TV personality Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin [wiki] died when he was stabbed in the heart by a stingray spine while filming a documentary Ocean's Deadliest.

Death by Bookcase

Mariesa Weber was reported missing by her family for nearly two weeks before they found her in her bedroom, wedged behind a bookcase.
"I'm sleeping in the same house as her for 11 days, looking for her," her mother, Connie Weber, told the St. Petersburg Times. "And she's right in the bedroom."
Both Weber and her sister had previously adjusted the television plug by standing on a bureau next to the shelf and leaning over the top. Her family believes Weber, who was 5-foot-3 and barely 100 pounds, may have fallen headfirst into the space.

Classic Humour

2007-06-03T21:25:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, May 25, 2007 5:42 PM
Subject: Simple

An elephant has 5 bananas and it is hungry, but yet it does not eat the bananas. Why?

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Because the bananas are made of plastic.

Next.Q

The 5 bananas are real , but yet the elephant does not eat it. Why?

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Because the elephant is made of plastic.

Hahhaa.never give up.one more..

Both the elephant and the bananas are real, but yet it cannot eat it.
Why ?

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Because the bananas are in the TV.

Ooops!!! Cool down.

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV, but yet it

cannot eat it. Why?

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Because they are on different channels.

Hohohohoohohoh..hehehe

Both the elephant and the bananas are real and in the TV and on the
same channel, but yet it cannot eat it. Why?
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Cmon think ..
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Because the TV is off.

'Witticisms' Of 9 Condemned Criminals

2007-05-17T10:46:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Monday, May 14, 2007 11:48 AM
Subject: FW: 'Witticisms' Of 9 Condemned Criminals

1. GEORGE APPEL (electrocuted in 1928)

As he was being strapped into the electric chair Appel quipped, 'Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel.'

2. JESSE WALTER BISHOP (gassed in 1979)

The last man to die in Nevada's gas chamber, Bishop's final words were, 'I've always wanted to try everything once . . . Let's go!'

3. GUY CLARK (hanged in 1832)

On the way to the gallows the sheriff told Clark to speed up the pace. Clark replied, 'Nothing will happen until I get there.'

4. JAMES DONALD FRENCH (electrocuted in 1966)

Turning to a newsman on his way to the electric chair, French helpfully suggested, 'I have a terrific headline for you in the morning. "French Fries".'

5. ROBERT ALTON HARRIS (gassed in 1992)

The last person to die in the gas chamber at San Quentin, Harris issued a final statement through the prison warden that stated, 'You can be a king or a street-sweeper, but everybody dances with the Grim Reaper.' The quote was inspired by a line from the film Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey.

6. WILLIAM PALMER (hanged in 1856)

As he stepped onto the gallows Palmer looked at the trapdoor and exclaimed, 'Are you sure it's safe?'

7. SIR WALTER RALEIGH (beheaded in 1618)

Feeling the edge of the axe soon to be used on him, Raleigh said, ''Tis a sharp remedy but a sure one for all ills.'

8. JAMES W. RODGERS (shot in 1960)

Asked if he had a last request, Rodgers stated, 'Why yes - a bulletproof vest.'

9. FREDERICK CHARLES WOOD (electrocuted in 1963)
Sitting down in the electric chair Wood said, 'Gentlemen, you are about to see the effects of electricity upon wood.'

Whatta Reply

2007-05-03T13:35:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, May 02, 2007 10:12 AM
Subject: FW: Whatta Reply....

It was a hot meeting at the office conference hall. All the people from the department had been called. The VP was looking much tensed.

The mood was so bad. My friend asked me -"Hey, what is this meeting all about? I told - May be they will decide on when to have the next meeting. People around smiled at each other. Then the VP started talking. It was about the recent attrition rate that was so high. Around 10 people had put in their papers. All experienced guys. It was quarter end and so work was huge. If we do not complete the work on time, we need to be paying heavy penalty said the VP. The VP turned to the manager and told "Hey - take how much ever resources you want. Recruit or take them from other departments. But complete the work in another 25 days. Take people and complete it man.

To this the sweet manager replied "Sir! Give me one wife and nine months and I shall show you results. Don't give me nine wives and one month. I cannot do anything." Everyone looked at him blank. The VP was not prepared for this answer. We looked at the manager and thought "What an Awesome Reply man!"

Doing Business

2007-04-27T10:10:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, April 27, 2007 9:33 AM
To:
Subject: How is this for a business

Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

Father "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"
Son "I will choose my own bride!"
Father "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son "Well, in that case...ok"

Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates "Ah, in that case...ok"

Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President "Ah, in that case...ok"

This is how business is done!!

Moral: Even If you have nothing, You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive

BORN BEFORE 1986?

2007-04-25T17:56:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent:

Subject: Fwd: I liked this...hope u do too!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured Lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded. We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chatrooms.We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits. We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...they actually sided with the law. This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And you're one of them.Congratulations!Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for 'our own good'.For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us. This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face:The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986....
The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel.

They have never heard of Fred Astaire, The Osmonds, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle .
For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam .

AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year. They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazard or the Famous Five. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.

3. Your friends are getting married/already married

4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head6. Having read this, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...Yes, you're Getting old!!

Attitude

2007-04-24T12:30:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Tuesday, April 24, 2007 12:28 PM
To:
Subject:
RE: Its all about your attitude....A nice tale with a difference

Failure is not when your Girl Friend leave you, Its only when you don't try for her sister - Swamy Unknownanada

Kids think quick

2007-04-24T12:24:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2007 9:45 AM
To:
Subject: Kids think quick!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS : Maria!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
___________________________________________________________

TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
TINO: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry
tree, but also admitted doing it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father
didn't punish him?"
LOUIS : Because George still had the ax in his hand.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
___________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Clyde , your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when
people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher.

Attitude

2007-04-24T12:16:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Tuesday, April 24, 2007 12:08 PM
To:
Subject: Its all about your attitude....A nice tale with a difference

Hi
Its all about your attitude....A nice tale with a difference

A little boy went into a drug store, reached for a soda carton and asks him for a Phone Call.
Shop-owner replied Sweety this is no a STD, but you can do one call.
The store-owner observed and listened to the conversation:

The boy asked, "Lady, Can you give me the job of cutting your lawn?

The woman replied, "I already have someone to cut my lawn."

Lady, I will cut your lawn for half the price of the person who cuts your lawn now." replied boy.

The woman responded that she was very satisfied with the person who was presently cutting her lawn.

The little boy found more perseverance and offered, "Lady, I'll even sweep your curb and your sidewalk, so on Sunday you will have the prettiest lawn in all of North-Palm beach, Florida."

Again the woman answered in the negative.

With a smile on his face, the little boy replaced the receiver. The store-owner, who was listening to all this, walked over to the boy and said," Son... I like your attitude; I like that positive spirit and would like to offer you a job."
The little boy replied, "No thanks, I was just checking my performance with the job I already have. I am the one who is working for that lady, I was talking to!"

Your ALTITUDE is decided by your ATTITUDE...

Sewing Machine

2007-04-24T11:50:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Tuesday, April 24, 2007 11:48 AM
To:
Subject: chk this out........

These four classified ads appeared in a newspaper on four consecutive days. The last three hopelessly trying to correct the first day's mistake...

MONDAY: For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs Mani who lives with him cheap.

TUESDAY: Notice: We regret having erred in Vishanth's ad yesterday. It should have read, "One sewing machine for sale cheap. Phone 98407 16581 and ask for Mrs Mani, who lives with him after 7PM."

WEDNESDAY: Notice: Vishanth has informed us that he has received several annoying telephone calls because of t he error we made in the classified ad yesterday. The ad stands correct as follows: "For sale - Vishanth has a sewing machine for sale; Cheap. Phone 98407 16581 after 7PM and ask for Mrs. Mani who loves with him.

THURSDAY: Notice: I, Vishanth, have no sewing machine for sale. I smashed it. Don't call 98407 16581 as I have had the phone disconnected. I have not been carrying on with Mrs. Mani. Until yesterday, she was my housekeeper but she quit!

Best FWD ever

2007-04-19T12:28:00.000+05:30

From: DevS
Sent: Monday, April 16, 2007 4:02 PM
Subject: Best FWD ever...

Hi,

Do you want to 'see' the 'world' after death?

If Yes,

DONATE YOUR ‘EYES’!!

THE MAGICAL TAP

2007-04-19T12:17:00.000+05:30

From: Kumsha
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 11:49 AM
To:
Subject: THE MAGICAL TAP

The magic tap appears to float in the sky with an endless supply of water. In actuality, there is a pipe hidden in the stream of water. I don't know anything else about the picture, but the construction is fascinating and is easy to make, if the pipe is made of transparent Perspex than you would never see it inside the water stream.

Need to smile

2007-04-19T12:12:00.000+05:30

From: Parthibs
Sent: Thursday, April 19, 2007 9:42 AM
Subject: *~* Thought of the Day *~*

Beautiful pictures are developed by negatives in a dark room. So if u see darkness in your life assume that God is making a beautiful picture for you. Happiness always looks small when you hold it in your hands. But when you learn to share it. You will realize how big and precious it is…!!

And for that you need to smile

A Dog Story

2007-04-13T11:13:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, April 13, 2007 11:01 AM
To:
Subject: FW: A Dog Story...

A Dog Story…….Our Story…..A butcher watching over his shop is really surprised when he sees a dog coming inside the shop. He shoos him away. But later, the dog is back again. So, he goes over to the dog and notices it has a note in its mouth. He takes the note and it reads "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please". The dog has money in its mouth, as well. The butcher looks inside and, there is a ten dollar note there. So he takes the money and puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth. The butcher is so impressed, and since it's about closing time, he decides to shut the shop and follow the dog. So off he goes.The dog is walking down the street, when it comes to a level crossing; the dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the button. Then it waitsPatiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn. They do, and it walks across the road, with the butcher following him all the way. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe as the dog stops a bus by pulling its left leg up and gets in it. The butcher follows the dog into the bus. Then the dog shows a ticket which is tied to its belt to the bus conductor. The butcher is nearly fainting at this sight, so are the other passengers in the bus. The dog then sits near the driver's seat looking outside waiting for the bus stop to come. As soon as the stop is in sight, the dog stands and wags its tail to inform the conductor. Then, without waiting for the bus to stop completely, it jumps out of the bus and runs to a house very close to the stop. It opens the big Iron Gate and rushes inside towards the door. As it approaches the wooden door, the dog suddenly changes its mind and heads towards the garden. It goes to the window, and beats its head against it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts abusing the dog, kicking him and punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher surprised with this, runs up, and stops the guy. "What in heaven's name are you doing? The dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for the life of me!" to which the Guy responds: "You call this clever? This is the second time this week that this stupid dog's forgotten his key."*Moral of the story: You may continue to exceed onlooker's expectations but shall always fall short of the boss' expectations. It's dog's life after all

Gulf .....A short description.....

2007-04-12T12:40:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, April 11, 2007 8:01 PM
To:
Subject: Gulf .....A short description.....

This is GULF

* Local calls are free
* Petrol is cheaper than water, Payment for drainage too
* Any building construction finishes in 3 months
* Unqualified get more salary than Qualified
* Show-off matters more than real quality & performance
* Labourers are paid less than what they can earn back in their own country
* Companies can kick out their employees without any reason
* Wastas (recommendation) are more powerful than money
* Cleaners have more Wasta than officers
* Watchman has more Rights than the Building Owner
* Office boy & Drivers have more influence on Boss than Manager
* Gulf climate changes so fast, in one hour u can see raining, dust storm, hot / humid / chilling weather
* Gulf is located in desert, still u find greenery everywhere
* If u can't earn money in the Gulf, u can't earn anywhere in the world * In Gulf, time goes very fast, Friday to Friday comes u never know, its sooo fast
* Every bachelor has a dream of getting married and buying a house in India
* U love your parents, friends, relatives 100 times more than when you were together
* Being at home is more painful than being at work
* Indians appear/pretend to be more religious/God fearing than they really are
* Theatres are full of Arab nationals whenever there is a movie of Salman / Sharukh
* Gulf girls sing Hindi songs but don't understand anything
* Prostitutes available, but cheaper than beggars
* Dance Bars and Pubs more than that in B'lore
* A ladies hair saloon every 5 meters
* Food/Grocery delivery to the car
* A Starbucks every 10 meters
* Hard Rock Cafe with no alcohol

* In one single flate sharing with 5 families
* A Shopping Mall located every 2 km
* Highway lanes differentiated for slow & fast drivers
* Getting a license is more difficult than buying a car
* Smashed cars are more than bugs
* Parking charge: 2 Dirham for 1 hour - 5 Dirham for 2 hours & so on
* No Queues for women

TRAFFIC SIGNAL IN GULF:
* GREEN : Signal to go for Indians
* YELLOW : Signal to go for Egyptians and Pakistanis, Americans, Europeans
* RED : Signal to go for Kuwaitis, Saudis , Palestinians & Lebanese

IF YOU'RE SAYING 'NO' THEN YOU ARE HIDING THE TRUTH....... ......... .

Unity in diversity for Indians

2007-04-12T12:18:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Thursday, April 12, 2007 9:23 AM
To:
Subject: Unity in diversity...Only for Indians

The best Photograph for life time especially for Indians

Girls after an accident..

2007-04-10T10:57:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Monday, April 09, 2007 2:50 PM

Subject: Girls

What do Girls do after a Bad Car Accident ???????

Turn off the ignition?

Get away from the car in case it explodes?

Call 911 on her cell phone?

Can you imagine her 1st action...... ......... ......... ......... .........

The Manager

2007-04-10T10:55:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Monday, April 09, 2007 2:51 PM

Subject: engineers

A team of young budding Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So the Managers discussed and put up a project plan with roles and responsibilities. The Manager who was responsible for organizing the resources went out and got a ladder and a tape. The tape measure was just the ordinary tape of 6 feet. The lead manager assigned another manager to go on top of the pole and start the measure. They were falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing was just a mess. An Engineer came along and saw what they' were trying to do. He walked over pulled the flagpole out of the ground, laid it flat, measured it from end to end, gave the measurement to one of the managers and walked away.

After the Engineer went away, one manager turns head to another and laughs.

"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length".

Moral: No matter how good engineer you are, Manager always finds fault in you.

Flash News

2007-04-10T10:36:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Monday, April 09, 2007 3:03 PM
Subject: Flash News - INDIA vs Cherupushpam L.P School - Update

>>>>>FLASH NEWS>>>>>

INDIA vs Cherupushpam L.P School

Cherupushpam LPS won the toss and chose to field.

INDIA - BATTING
Virender Sehwag	c Unnikkutan b Tintumon	0 (1)
Saurav Ganguly	b Unnikkuttan	28 (152)
Robin Uthappa	c Tintumon b Thakkudu	7 (15)
Sachin Tendulkar	Lbw b Tintumon	1 (12)
Rahul Dravid ©	retd hurt	18 (61)
Yuvraj Singh	run out	0 (0)
Mahendra Singh Dhoni	st Kannan b Unnikkuttan	0 (1)
Ajit Agarkar	c Unnittuttan b Lullumon	5 (20)
Harbhajan Singh	b Unnikkuttan	8 (6)
Munaf Patel*	b Tintumon	10 (19)
Zaheer Khan	Not out	9 (16)
Extras	Lb-3	3
	Total all out in 50.0 overs for	82

	O	M	R	W
Unnikkuttan	10	6	10	3
Tintumon*	10	8	3	3
Pintumon	10	3	21	0
Lullumon	10	4	10	1
Thakkudu	4	0	18	1
Boban	6	2	12	0

CHERUPUSHPAM - BATTING
Unnikkuttan*	not out	52 (20)
Kuttan	not out	30 (18)









Extras		6
	Total in 6.2 overs	88/0

	O	M	R	W
Munaf Patel	3	0	41	0
Zaheer Khan	3	0	35	0
Ajit Agarkar*	0.2	0	12	0

MAN OF THE MATCH – UNNIKKUTTAN STD II B

NB : Dravid has got an injury on his forehead for a pace delivery from speedster Unnikkuttan..

Aaahhh...

2007-04-10T10:25:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Tuesday, April 10, 2007 10:05 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Good Morning! :)

Life is not a rehearsal
Each new day is a new show
No repeats, no rewinds
So, give your best shot in all your worthy acts!!!

Ideal 'ORKUT' profile of a SE

2007-04-05T18:07:00.001+05:30

From:
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2007 6:02 PM
To:
Subject: FW: This one's really goooood, friends :-)

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most importantly, I am LOOKING for someone to make me live !! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (For all those who know me--> "Just stop laughing!!")

Relationship status : what?

Birthday : The day my PL is about to fire me.

Age : 10111
1111
111

Here for: web browsing in company hours.

Children : can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity : Programmer.

Languages I speak : Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view : the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor : weekly.

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth.

Drinking : The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog. :-)

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown : My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri.com <http://naukri.com/ > , http://jobsahead.com < http://jobsahead.com/ > - Isn't it Ultimate???

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company, looking for other company, remembering my good old college days, worrying about my future.

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess.

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101 ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others censored.

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing.

Tv shows : can't afford one.

Cuisines : Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 meteres of my cubicle....

Beauty of a Woman

2007-04-05T12:46:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2007 7:43 PM
To:
Subject: FW: Beauty of a Woman

Beauty of a Woman

The beauty of a woman
Is not in the clothes she wears,
The figure she carries,
Or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
Must be seen from her eyes,
Because that is the doorway to her heart,
The place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman
Is not in a facial mole,
But true beauty in a woman
Is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives,
The passion that she shows,
The beauty of a woman
With passing years-only grows.
Lucky is the man who is the first love of a woman,
but luckier is the woman who is the last love of a man

Strength of a man

2007-04-05T12:45:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2007 7:43 PM
To:
Subject: FW: Strength of a Man

Strength of a Man

The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It is seen in the width of his arms that encircle you.

The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn't how many buddies he has.
It is how good a buddy he is with his kids.

The strength of a man isn't in how respected he is at work.
It is in how respected he is at home.
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It is in how tender he touches.
The strength of a man isn't how many women he's Loved by.
It is in can he be true to one woman.

The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It is in the burdens he can understand and overcome.

Which is better ??

2007-04-05T12:00:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Thursday, April 05, 2007 12:00 PM
Subject: which was better,the former or the latter????

WHICH IS BETTER.....FORMER OR LATTER?

Dad used to give us a measly Rs. 20/- per month,

in that we were not only able to eat stomachs fill,

but we were able to save too!!!

Now we earn a sum of 20K, we have no idea

where it goes, let alone saving it!!

Which was better, the former or the latter???

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

6 subjects per year, 6 different teachers!

One project since we joined

and just one manager!!

Which was better, the former or the latter???

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

We used to make notes;

we used to study for ranks!!

Now we scan thru our mails;

we struggle for our ratings!!!

Which was better, the former or the latter???

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

We have still not forgotten the people

in the next section!!!

Now we don't even know who sits

in the next cubicle!!!

Which was better, the former or the latter???

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

After getting back from a tiring play,

we used to do our home work!!

Now who knows/cares about home;

all we do is just work!!!

Which was better, the former or the latter???

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -
We knew our history and economics!!

Now let alone reading books,

we don't even catch up with the daily news!!!

Which was better, the former or the latter???

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

We had an aim in life;

behind our backs we had our teachers!!

Now we have no idea about the

future nor do we find any

one who would tell us anything!!!

Now just ask yourself,

Which was better?

the former or the latter????

Modern Love letter

2007-04-05T11:55:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2007 2:00 PM
To:
Subject: FW: Spam: modern love

Modern Love Application

Dearest Girl,
I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since Tuesday, the 17th of August 1999. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 17th of August 1999 at 1500 hours, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on-the-relationship training and relationship appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses.
However I am broad-minded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else. I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.
Thanking you in anticipation.
Yours sincerely,
[Boy]

Application
Dear Boy,
Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous. I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining. In addition, outing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a luxury condo and a Jag are in order.
Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.
Please also note that my sister is happily employed.
Yours perhaps,
[Girl]

------------ -----
So My Dears.. how are my mails ?? Dont forget to write back to me...

Retrieves sounds in the wall ???

2007-04-05T11:41:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Tuesday, April 03, 2007 10:48 AM
To:
Subject: Technology retrieves sounds in the wa

Thanks to NDTV news...

Scientists have developed a technology that can retrieve sounds and conversations that get recorded in the walls around us. An Indian scientist and a software engineer have been working on the secret project for 17 years costing more than 255 crore rupees. Their identities are kept secret for security reasons.” Well, the methodology is in great demand by the Americans and in Europe it's worth billions of dollars," the scientist said.” We have had kidnap threats, so we can only go public when our security is guaranteed”. Every wall in a room is made up of millions and millions of atoms. Each atom is a collection of electrons, protons and neutrons - all electrically charged and constantly moving. When anyone inside the four walls of a room speaks, the sound carries energy that travels in waves and hits the walls. When this voice energy hits the atoms in a wall the electrons and protons are disturbed. Each word spoken hits the atoms with a different energy level and disturbs the atoms differently. Scientists have worked on the software and technology that can measure how each atom has been disturbed and match each unique disturbance with a unique word. The technology virtually "replays" the sequence of words that have been spoken inside the walls. It's like rewinding a tape recorder and you can go as far back in history as you want. The scientists have already recorded many historic conversations some of which are classified as secret. They have extracted a few words by Aurangzeb from the walls of the Red Fort in Delhi and from the walls of the Agra Fort. They contain what Shahjahan said to Noorjahan on the night before she died. It’s not just voices from the distant past that can be replayed - when you leave your room at work your boss can tap the walls and hear all that you said. The amazing technology could change the way we live. Inside the bedroom or boardroom - nothing is a secret any more. It will change way nations spy on each other and it will most certainly lead to the re-writing of history books. The technology will be available commercially for sale 12 months from now in April 2008.

Critics on Sachin, a reply

2007-04-05T10:56:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, April 04, 2007 2:45 PM
To:
Subject: Critics on Sachin, a reply...

Thanks to gleez.com :)

1.Selfish

2.Scoring Against weaker Oppostions

3.Failing in pressure situation

Little Info about this

1.Selfish

Well Records are meant to be broken and if Sachin is breaking them critics[haters more rightly] can't digest them. One of the incidents people mention is regarding his 194 knock against pakistan..some said it was slow nock..agreed it was a slow knock by Sachin's stature,but if it is compared wid one of the knock wid Dravid...this will not look as bad it seems.Tendulkar- 194 runs in multan with a strike rate of around 54 Dravid- 217 runs in oval with a strike rate of around 46.

I m just taking one example to tell that Dravid's natural game is to hold the one end and let the others to dominate..in multan Sachin changed his gears and holded one end and he let sehwag to dominate..played Rahul's role
in that innings. Now this is called team game.. but people call it slow batting and selfish... Sachin always said Team's win is more important than personal landmark..He proved this statement in that very test by taking Moin
Khan's wicket off the last ball of the 3rd day..That Ball was beauty!!Wasn't he happy at that moment??? Since Sachin is the most senior player of the team so he can't throw his wicket just to prove critics that he is still a
master blaster...[he is still scoring at brisk rate in onedays]..People forget his fast scroing Centuries against world class bowling

169 [201 balls] against South Africa in 1997 at Capetown
92 [120 balls] against West Indies in 1997 at Bridgetown
155 [191 balls] against Australia in 1998 at Chennai
79 [ 85 balls] against Australia in 1998 at Kolkata
100 in 123 balls against NewZealand in 1999 at Wellington[he scored 113 runs
in that inning]
155 [183 balls] against South Africa in 2001 in Bloemfontein

There are many other breath taking innings in tests from 10dulkar.

But everyone please note this down..Sachin is the Only Batsman in Test Cricket who scored 3 Centuries wid a SIX
179 - **6** off Walsh[I remember it was a hook shot] against WestIndies in 1994 at Nagpur
124 - **6** off Min Patel[off spinner,straight down the ground] against England in 1996 at Birmingham
113 - **6** off Wiseman[off spinner,straight down the ground] against Newzealnad in 1999 at Wellington*

Critics says he plays for his records and centuries..Now just look to this..

One Day
Centuries- 40* *[out of 40 centuries India Won 28 times and lost 11 times,1 century in a rain affected match*]
11 centuries gone in Vain. Half Centuries- 73 now here is that intresting part out of these 73 half centuries Sachin got 28 scores of 80 and above in these 28 scores if we take out the innings in which he was not out [coz of over completed or target chased ] he was 5 times not out in such innings so now lets talk about remaining 23 innings Can u believe he has 10 scores of 90's??? If these 90's were converted in 100's the stats looks likes this Centuries-50 ODI centuries... and look he holds another record for those who have so much fuss about playing for records. getting out highest numbers of times in 90's in ODI's ..just coz he wanted to score for the team and not for the his personal records he got out 10times in 90's

Test
Centuries- 35* [*12 in which India won,15 in dead tests,8 in lost tests*]
lone warrior in tests which India lost
Half Centuries- 41

Intresting Part
12 scores of 80+
6 scores of 90's convert them in 100s..he will pass 40 centuries in Test Cricket..sad for critics he played for team and thats why couldn't converted these 90's into 100's

2.Scoring Against weaker Oppostions

This can happen in India only. People remembers 152 against Namibia and forgets 98 against Pakistan in WorldCup
People remembers 248 against Bangladesh and forgets his 7 centuries against World Champions Australia [4 in their own den]. Only one century against Bangladesh and share the honour of scoring test century against each test playing nation wid Dravid,Ponting and Garry Kristen...No one talk about other 3 batsman scored centuries against
Bangladesh..then why the fuss for Sachin??

Test
Australia - 7 Centuries [4 in Australia], 2 of them at the age of 18 in 1992
Bangladesh- 1 Century [Unfortunately his highest score in Test Cricket]
England- 6 Centuries [4 in England],
NewZealand- 3 Centuries [1 in NewZealand]
Pakistan- 2 Centuries [1 in Pakistan]
SouthAfrica- 3 Centuries [all three in South Africa]
Srilanka- 7 Centuries [4 in Srilanka]
WestIndies- 3 Centuries [ 1 in WestIndies]
Zimbabwe- 3 Centuries [ none in Zimbabwe]

90+
96 against Srilanka at Banglore in 1994
92 against West Indies at Bridgetown in 1997
97 against South Africa at Mumbai in 2000
90 against England at Banglore in 2001
92 against England at Nottingham in 2002
94 against Pakistan at Mohali in 2005

Intresting Part
He scored runs in all parts of world..There are three types of wickets u generally found in Cricket..Fast and bouncy Pitches like in Australia,South-Africa,NewZealand,WestIndies,Spin tracks in India,Srilanka,Pakistan,and seeming tracks like in England. Today people talk about Ricky Ponting...now check this out

Sachin's and Ponting's average at their own home soil is above 55 so nothing to discuss this here,but the real part starts now

Sachin's average in Australia 54.15 , 4 centuries
Ponting's average in India,12.28 , no centuries

Sachin's average in England 71.60 , 4 centuries
Ponting's average in England 42.63 , 3 centuries

I am taking records for these countries only bcoz.. rightnow,best fast bowlers are from Australia,best spinners are from India,Best Seamers from england[as there is no choice bcoz only england have such pitches] Anyone can take easily tell who played gud cricket against best attack on all kind of pitches...

One Day
Australia - 7 Centuries + 1 score of 90's
Bangladesh- 0 Century
England- 1 Centuries + 1 score of 90's
Kenya- 4 Centuries
Namibia- 1 Century
NewZealand 4 Centuries
Pakistan- 5 Centuries + 4 scores of 90's
SouthAfrica- 3 Centuries + 1 score of 90's
Srilanka- 7 Centuries + 3 score of 90's
WestIndies- 3 Centuries
Zimbabwe- 5 Centuries

90+
90 against Australia in 1996 at Mumbai
91 against England in 1997 at Sharjah
95 against Pakistan in 1998 at Dhaka
93 against Pakistan in 2000 at Hobart
93 against SouthAfrica in 2000 at Nagpur
93 against Srilanka in 2000 at Dhaka
98 against Pakistan in 2003 at Centurion
97 against Srilanka in 2003 at Johannesburg
93 against Srilanka in 2005 at Nagpur
95 against Pakistan in 2006 at Lahore

Intresting Part
Only 5 Centuries against minnows like Kenya ,Namibia[non test playing nation]...and Kenya was the semi-finalist of the world cup'03 10 scores of above 90 against only test playing nations...now can anyone tell me how is
he selfish?? 34 times he scored more than 80 and couldn't reached 100..If he played for his records..he could easily scored 100's all of those scores above 80's ...

3.Failing in pressure situation* 19/07/2006 08:51 ODI

Won Chasing Target

M R H AVG 100s 50s
Sachin- 101 4397 134 58.62 13 23
Dravid- 72 2124 109* 49.39 2 19
Ponting- 77 2670 124* 53.40 4 17

In Quater Finals
Sachin- 3 210 141 70.00 1 0
Dravid- 2 57 48 28.50 0 0
Ponting- 3 118 46 39.33 0 0

In Semi Finals
Sachin- 7 232 83 33.14 0 2
Dravid- 4 28 58 42.66 0 1
Ponting- 5 71 37 14.20 0 0

In Finals
Sachin - 36 1487 134 47.96 4 9
Dravid- 23 690 103* 34.50 1 3
Ponting- 33 1217 140* 45.07 2 6

All Finals
Sachin- 47 1954 141 46.52 5 11
Dravid- 30 943 103* 37.72 1 5
Ponting- 41 1406 140* 40.17 2 6

In Series Won
Sachin- 127 5548 186* 51.37 19 26
Dravid- 76 2645 153 42.66 2 22
Ponting- 177 7245 145 47.98 18 45

In Test
100's in Tests India Won - 12
100's in Tests India Lost - 8
100's in Test Drawn - 15

Holds the record of maxium number of 100's for loosing team...That means a lone warrior..Thats why once Indian Cricket Team was called as ONE MAN ARMY!!!!

More Intresting Part!!!!!!!!
Often said Sachin gets fail at crunch situation...Well 1st we must admit that when Sachin on the crease Win is sure...As soon Sachin gets out..the situation becomes crunchy!!! Sachin is out,now who will win match for us??
Dravid ?? or Sehwag?? or Yuvraj?? Or Ganguly?? No one sure who will win match for them... So bcoz of this thing Teams targets Sachin as the most precious wicket... Nasser Hussain introduced Negative lines for Sachin Tendulkar to stop the flow of runs when he is on wicket!!! Local umpires also involved some times to help their team against Sachin Tendulkar,espeically Australians!

Some incidents striking in my mind...I think Sachin is the player who got out maximum numbers of times bcoz of bad or wrong decision by Umpires..I m producing those incidents only which I remember,there may be many other too

1. 92 - out of a NO ball from Frankline Rose against West Indies in 1997 at Bridgetown..Remember India lost the test just by 38 runs..U can just imagine how much that bad decision effected the result of the match!!!

2. 83 - Out of a NO ball again..[don't remember the bowler] last test in WestIndies in 1997.Draw Test.

3. 67- LBW off Crains..last test against NewZealand in 1999, was not out coz the ball pitched outside the legstump.Match Drawn

4. 61 - caught at forward shortleg,bowler Shane Warne.against Australia at Adelaide in 1999.. the ball touched the thigh pads and Umpire Darel Harper gave him out.. India were 107 for 4 when Ganguly joined Sachin and they put
on 108 runs for the 5th wicket..

5. 0 - LBW bowler Macgrath..against Australia at Adelaide in 1999,same test, nothing more to say..Everyone remember that FOOLISH decision

6. 52 - LBW bowler Shane Warne,Umpire David Shepherd,against Australia at Melbourne in 1999, were chasing 356 as a target on the fourth day.

7. 45 - LBW bowler Macgrath,UmpireIan Robinson,against Australia at Sydney in 2000, the ball seemed to hit him too high and was going on leg stump, In that very over,Tendulkar had pulled a short one from Macgrath for two,and
hooked the next two for boundaries,and a ball later punched the fast bowler back past him for the 3rd four of the over

8. 16 - caught behind off Waqar Younis,against Pakistan at Perth in 2000, it was must win situation for India to qualify in the final , scored 16 runs of 9 balls,hitted 3 fours in one over of Waqar Younis and 1 off Wasim Akram on the fastest pitch of the world,India were chasing 260 odd runs...

9. 0 - LBW bowler Gillespie,Umpire Bucknor,against Australia at Brisbane in 2003 funny thing is that the bowler not applead for the LBW... MR.Bucknorgave the decision of his own

10. 0 - caught behind off Lee,against Australia at Melbourne in 2003, ball touched the thigh pads and umpire given him out.

11. 54 - caught behind,Umpire Bucknor,against Pakistan at Kolkata in 2005, I think we all seen that decison, theball was not near to his pad,gloves,helmet,arm.. no where...

There may be so many other incident like this...Teams like Australia taking help from the umpires to stop Tendulkar... the 1999-2000 tour of Australia proves it..

And the last thing is that Sachin played 11 years [1989-2000] in the era where his own team mates involved in match fixing.. So despite of his brilliant knocks we failed to win the match just bcoz others not contirbuting..Yuo can win ODI's just wid ur own batting but u can't win test matches wid one innings bcoz test played for 5 days its a 4 inning game..Still Tendulkar's record in that era is Awesome.. and remember *The awe of opponents was as great as that of crowds. But the finest compliment must be that bookmakers would not fix the odds - or a game - until Tendulkar was out.

Tech joke, mouse jammed

2007-03-27T11:51:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Monday, March 27, 2007 9:07 AM
Subject: Techie Joke

Technical Support Needed

Caller : Hi, our printer is not working.
Customer Service : What is wrong with it?
Caller : Mouse is jammed.
Customer Service : Mouse? And how it is related to printer?
Caller : Mmmm... Wait, I will send a picture.

Friendship

2007-03-27T11:35:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Monday, March 27, 2007 9:07 AM

Subject: Friendship

Do you know the relationship between two eyes..? They blink together, they move together, they cry together, they see things together and they sleep together but they never see each other. That’s what friendship is. But when a beautiful girl comes in front, one eye goes blink and the other remains open........................................

Moral of the story: Girls can break even the best of friendships.

Slow down culture

2007-03-26T11:37:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Monday, March 26, 2007 9:07 AM
Subject: FW: Good Morning

An interesting reflection: Slow Down Culture

It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalize processes have caused in us (all over theworld) a general sense of searching for immediate results. Therefore, we have come to posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results.

Said in another words:

1. Sweden is about the size of San Pablo , a state in Brazil . 2. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants. 3.

Stockholm, has 500,000 people. 4. Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, Nokia are some of its renowned companies. Volvo supplies the NASA.

The first time I was in Sweden , one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work). The first day, I didn't say anything, either the second or third. One morning I asked, "Do you have a fixed parking space? I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot." To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, and whoever gets in late will be late and need a place closer to the door. Don't you think? Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe name Slow Food.

This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing.

Slow Food is against its counterpart: the spirit of Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week.

Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry"

and "craziness" generated by globalization, fueled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being". French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity been driven up by 20%. This slow attitude has brought forth the US 's attention, pupils of the fast and the "do it now!".

This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity. It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress.It means reestablishing family values, friends, free and leisure time. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous. It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.

It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do. It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence of spirit.

In the movie, Scent of a Woman, there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al responds, "A life is lived in an instant".

Then they dance to a tango.

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious of living the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists.

We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment.

As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Congratulations for reading till the end of this message. There are many who will have stopped in the middle so as not to waste time in this globalize world.

Indian Cricket Team..

2007-03-26T11:34:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Monday, March 26, 2007 10:47 AM

To:

Subject: FW: Heights!!

What did the spectator miss when he went to the toilet?

The entire Indian Innings.

Where do Indian batsmen perform there best?

In Advertisements.

When would Agarkar have 100 runs against his name?

When he is bowling.

What is the most proficient form of footwork displayed by Indian batsmen?

The walk back to the pavilion.

How to increase the chances of Indian batsmen playing out the entire 50 overs?

Try giving them two innings to begin with, then try three and so on.

What is the Indian version of a hat-trick?

3 runs in 3 balls.

What is the height of optimism ?

Sehwag coming out to bat applying sunscreen on his face.

Phone Call for Sehwag:

Indian Team Manager : "Hello"(over Phone)

Wife :"Can I talk to Sehwag, this is his wife."

Indian Team Manager:"Sorry, he is just going to bat"

Wife:"No Problem Manager, I will Hold on"

Sardarji joke

2007-03-23T14:12:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, March 09, 2007 3:33 PM
Subject: FW: Sardar - Back2Back!!

Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?"

"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.

"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.

"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you kiss me?"

Rajiv answers, "They'll surely find us!"

Smart Indian..

2007-03-23T14:09:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 5:55 PM
Subject: FW: Smart Indian !!!!

This is not a story but a true incident that happened in USA.*
An Indian walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for
the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to India on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of
security for the loan. The Indian man handed
over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the
bank. He produced the title and everything
checked out.
The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank\'s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the
Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank\'s
underground garage and parked it there.
Two weeks later, the Indian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the
interest, which came to $15.41.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very
nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked
you out and found that you are a multi
millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow
"$5,000"
The Indian replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to
be there when I return\'"
Ah, the brain of the Indian... This is why India is shining !!!!!

The Guy's Rules

2007-03-22T12:10:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, September 08, 2006 3:41 PM
To:
Subject: FW: Nice one....Especially for GIRLS !!!

THE GUYS' RULES
AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN

FINALLY , THE GUYS' SIDE OF THE STORY.
(I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)
WE ALWAYS HEAR " THE RULES "
FROM THE FEMALE SIDE.

NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE.
THESE ARE OUR RULES!
PLEASE NOTE.. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED "1"
ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. SHOPPING IS NOT A SPORT.
AND NO, WE ARE NEVER GOING TO THINK OF IT THAT WAY.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT.
LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:
SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO.
SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. A HEADACHE THAT LASTS FOR 17 MONTHS IS A PROBLEM.
SEE A DOCTOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT.
IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU WON'T DRESS LIKE THE VICTORIA'S SECRET GIRLS, DON'T EXPECT US TO ACT LIKE SOAP OPERA GUYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE.
DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE other one

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING
OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE.
NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS.
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE no IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.
1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY "NOTHING," WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG.
WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WOR TH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE. REALLY .

1. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS BASEBALL, THE SHOTGUN FORMATION,
OR GOLF.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS.
YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT;

BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH.

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN -
TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH!

Sardar studying j2ee stuffs

2007-03-22T12:02:00.001+05:30

From:
Sent: Thursday, March 22, 2007 11:11 AM
Subject: FW: Sardar studying j2ee stuffs....(Really Nice one)

Sardar Vs J2EE

Q. How will you call an Applet from a Java Script?

A. I will give invitation Card.

Q. What is JVM ?

A. Jilebi, Vada & Maaza

Q. Explain 2 tier and 3 -tier Architecture ?

A. Two wheelers like scooters will have 2 tyres and autorickshaws will have

3 tyres.

;

Q. I want to store more than 10 objects in a remote server ? Which

methodology will follow ?

A. Send it through courier.

Q. Can I modify an object in CORBA ?

A. As you wish , I do not have any objections.

Q. How to communicate 2 threads each other ?

A. Non living things can't communicate.

Q. What is meant by flickering ?

A. Closing and opening of eyes at girls.

Q. Explain RMI Architecture?

A. I am a computer professional not an architect student.

Q. What is the use of Servlets ?

A. In hotels, they can replace servers.

Q. What is the dif ference between Process and Threads ?

A. Threads are small ropes. Make a rope from threads is an example for

process.

Q. When is update method called ?

A. Who is update method?

Q. What is JAR file ?

A. File that can be kept inside a jar.

Q. What is JINI ?

A. A ghost which was Aladdin's friend.

Q. How you can know about drivers and database information ?

A. I will go and enquire in the bus depot.

Q. What is serialization ?

A. Arranging one after the other from left to right.

Q. What is bean ? Where it can be used ?

A. A kind of vegetable. In kitchens for cooking they can be used.

Q. Write down how will you create a binary Tree ?

A. When we sow a binary seed , a binary tree will grow.

Q. What is the exact difference between Unicast and Multicast object ?

A. If in a society, if there is only one caste, then it is Unicast, else it

is multicast

To make women happy

2007-03-21T10:42:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Thursday, January 25, 2007 5:24 PM
Subject: FW: this is a good one...lolz

Hilarious...!!!

In the world of romance, one single rule applies to men:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects.

Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)

You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)

You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return

with

Beer (-5)

You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)

You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)

You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)

You pummel it with iron rod (+10)

It's her pet (-10)

SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)

You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college

buddy

(-2)

Named Rita (-4)

Rita is a dancer (-6)

Rita is single and is really beautiful (-80)

HER BIRTHDAY

You forget her birthday (-50000)

You take her out to dinner (0)

You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)

Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)

And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)

It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted

the

colours of your favourite team (-10)

A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)

You take her to a movie she likes (+4)

You take her to a movie you hate (+6)

You take her to a movie you like (-2)

It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)

You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]

You hesitate in responding (-10)

You reply, "Where?" (-35)

Any other response (-20)

COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what

looks

like a concerned __expression (0)

You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)

You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)

She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)

Now what chance do you have???

Elderly woes

2007-03-21T10:40:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Wednesday, January 24, 2007 5:12 PM
Subject: elderly woes ( joke)

SENIORS GIVING BIRTH

With all the new technology regarding
Fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was
able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

'May we see the new baby?" one asked.

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee
and we can visit for awhile first."
Thirty minutes had passed, and another
relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.
After another few minutes had elapsed, they
asked again, "May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well,
when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he cries?"

"BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM. O.K.?????"

Have a Super day

2007-03-21T10:36:00.000+05:30

Don't ever be reluctant
to show your feelings when
you're happy, give in to it.
When you're not, live with it.

Don't ever be afraid to
try to make things better you might
be surprised at the results.

Don't ever feel threatened by the future,
take life one day at a time.

Don't ever feel guilty about the past
what's done is done, just learn from any
mistakes you might have made.

Don't ever feel that you are alone
there is always somebody there
for you to reach out to, like me.

Don't ever forget that you can achieve
so many of the things you can imagine.
It's not as hard as it may seem.

Don't ever stop loving
don't ever stop believing and
don't ever stop dreaming your dreams.

Have A Super Day

Definitions of designations

2007-03-20T15:08:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Monday, January 22, 2007 10:29 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Definitions....u must understand the concept

New definition of designations at office

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Project Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

5) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll just produce a child with zero resources.

6) Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

7) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby

8) Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered or not, they'll just document 9 months

9) Customer Service Manager - the one holding baby without contibuting to the delivery or related

and finally........

10) Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Voted 'e-mail of the year'

2007-03-20T10:20:00.000+05:30

From:
Sent: Tuesday, March 06, 2007 10:04 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Voted 'e-mail of the year

Voted 'e-mail of the year'

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just travelling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell him, "No........I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions!!!"

Great Software Quotes

2007-03-20T10:17:00.001+05:30

From:
Sent: Friday, March 16, 2007 7:09 PM
To:
Subject: Fw: Great Software Quotes.......If you have some spare time!

Great Software Quotes …. !!!

UNIX is simple. But It just needs a genius to understand its simplicity.

--Dennis Ritchie

Before software can be reusable, it first has to be usable.

--Ralph Johnson

Good judgment comes from experience, and experience comes from bad judgment.

--Fred Brooks

Theory is when you know something, but it doesn't work. Practice is when something works, but you don't know why it works. Programmers combine theory and practice: Nothing works and they don't know why.

It's hard enough to find an error in your code when you're looking for it; it's even harder when you've assumed your code is error-free.

-Steve McConnell Code Complete

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilisation.

-Gerald Weinberg

The Six Phases of a Project:

Enthusiasm

Disillusionment

Panic

Search for the Guilty

Punishment of the Innocent

Praise for non-participants

Good code is its own best documentation. As you're about to add a comment, ask yourself, 'How can I improve the code so that this comment isn't needed?' Improve the code and then document it to make it even clearer.

--Steve McConnell Code Complete

The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt.

--Bertrand Russell

No matter how slick (efficient) the demo is in rehearsal, when you do it in front of a live audience the probability of a flawless presentation is inversely proportional to the number of people watching, raised to the power of the amount of money involved.

One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empirewas that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

--Robert Firth

Fifty years of programming language research and we end up with C++?

--Richard A. O'Keefe

C programmers never die. They are just cast into void.

If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

--Edsger Dijkstra

You can either have software quality or you can have pointer arithmetic, but you cannot have both at the same time.

--(Bertrand Meyer)

(Thoughtful...)

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third works.

--Alan J. Perlis

Measuring programming progress by lines of code is like measuring aircraft building progress by weight.

--Bill Gates

The first 90% of the code accounts for the first 90% of the development time. The remaining 10% of the code accounts for the other 90% of the development time.

--Tom Cargill

Programmers are in a race with the Universe to create bigger and better idiot-proof programs, while the Universe is trying to create bigger and better idiots. So far the Universe is winning.

--Anon

As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in my own programs.

--Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949

I did say something along the lines of "C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows your whole leg off."

--Bjarne Stroustrup

It has been said that the great scientific disciplines are examples of giants standing on the shoulders of other giants. It has also been said that the software industry is an example of midgets standing on the toes of other midgets.

--Alan Cooper About Face

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

--Pablo Picasso

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

--attributed to Norm Schryer

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

--Will Rogers

Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software engineer .

--Fred Brooks, Jr.

As we said in the preface to the first edition, C "wears well as one's experience with it grows." With a decade more experience, we still feel that way.

--Brian Kernighan and Dennis Ritchie

Simplicity is prerequisite for reliability --Edsger W.Dijkstra

I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. It means we get to keep all our old mistakes.

--Dennie van Tassel

Rules of Optimization:

Rule 1: Don't do it.

Rule 2 (for experts only): Don't do it yet.

--M.A. Jackson

Most software today is very much like an Egyptian pyramid with millions of bricks piled on top of each other, with no structural integrity, but just done by brute force and thousands of slaves.

--Alan Kay

Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written, and another for which it wasn't.

--Alan J. Perlis

Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage. Those who manage what they do not understand.

--Putt's Law

Copy and paste is a design error

--David Parnas

Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more months might as well have been written by someone else.

--Eagleson's law

The primary duty of an exception handler is to get the error out of the lap of the programmer and into the surprised face of the user. Provided you keep this cardinal rule in mind, you can't go far wrong.

--Verity Stob

Thought For the Day..!

2007-03-13T13:19:00.001+05:30

From:

Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 10:39 AM
Subject: FW: Thought For the Day..!

Good Morning..!

A sculptor made a statue of God in a single rock. The withered parts of the rock were used to make the foot steps of the temple. The foot step asked the statue “Brother we are from the same rock, but you are worshipped and I am stamped, why?

The Statue said, I can with stood thousands of hit by the sculptor. But you withered by a single hit, that’s why I am worshipped and you are not.

Good Morning Friends...!

2007-03-13T13:08:00.001+05:30

From:

Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 10:25 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Good Morning Friends...!

Good Morning Have a nice day
People laugh because I am different. And I laugh because they are all the same…
That’s called ATTITUDE - Swami Vivekananda

Change your Point Of View!!

2007-03-13T13:03:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Tuesday, March 13, 2007 10:05 AM
To:
Subject: FW: Change your Point Of View!!

This is yet another forward ..

For those who have read this already ,it is worth reading again ..

And for those who have not read , it is fantastic .!

Simple yet thought provoking article ..

In a nutshell .it gives a a msg ‘ live simple ,think simple ‘ in a more simple way …

Cheers

There was a millionaire who was bothered by severe eye pain.

He consulted so many physicians and was getting his treatment
done. He did not stop consulting galaxy of medical experts; he consumed
heavy loads of drugs and underwent hundreds of injections.

But the ache persisted with great vigour than before. At last a monk
who has supposed to be an expert in treating such patients was
called for by the millionaire.

The monk understood his problem and said that for sometime he
should concentrate only on green colours and not to fall his eyes on any
other colours.

The millionaire got together a group of painters and purchased
barrels of green color and directed that every object his eye was likely
to fall to be painted in green colour just as the
monk had directed.

When the monk came to visit him after few days, the
millionaire's servants ran with buckets of green paints and poured on him
since he was in red dress, lest their master not see any other colour and
his eye ache would come back.

Hearing this monk laughed said "If only you had purchased a pair of
green spectacles, worth just a few rupees, you could have saved
these walls and trees and pots and all other articles and also could
have saved a large share of his fortune.

You cannot paint the world green." Let us change our vision and the
world will appear accordingly. It is foolish to shape the world, let us
shape ourselves first.

Lets change our vision..!!

********

Think simple,Live simple..

********

Salary Levels

2007-03-09T17:59:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Friday, March 09, 2007 2:15 PM
To:
Subject:

Salary levels during the final placements at the 'younger' Indian Institutes of Management like Kozhikode, Indore and Lucknow have risen by 30-44 percent this year. The largest recruiters this year comprised banking and consulting companies. The same trend was seen in prominent B-schools like XLRI too.

IIM-Indore: The batch of 115 students at IIM-Indore -- the youngest of the six IIMs -- received a total of 329 offers, including 12 international ones. Around 67 companies participated in the final placements process, out of which 29 companies were first time recruiters. Average salary levels increased by nearly 45 percent. The highest domestic salary was Rs 18 lakh per year as compared with Rs 12.5 lakh last year -- an increase of 44 percent. On the international front, the highest salary was $110,000 (around Rs 50 lakh) offered by Infosys. The largest recruiters this time were consulting firms with 25 percent of the students opting for consulting companies.

IIM-Kozhikode: At the institute, 431 offers were made to 155 students of the 2007 batch. Around 88 companies participated in the recruitment process out of which 34 were first-timers. International salary level shot up by as much as 57 percent at $110,000 (around Rs 50 lakh) per annum against $70,000 (Rs 31.5 lakh) last year. The domestic salary figure recorded an increase of 32 percent at Rs 22 lakh per annum against Rs 16.67 lakh last year. Even at IIM-Kozhikode, over 25 percent of the batch chose jobs with consultancy firms. Around 21 students received international offers for the US, Europe, West Asia and countries in the Asia-Pacific Region. Cognizant (15 offers), JP Morgan Chase (13 offers), Deloitte (9 offers) and Accenture Business Consulting (5 offers) were the biggest recruiters on campus this year.

IIM Lucknow: This institute too saw its salary levels shoot up by 40 percent. With a graduating batch of 280 students, IIM Lucknow's final placements saw an increase of 35-40 percent in the salary levels. Students, however, gave more importance to the nature of job profiles that were offered. Around 554 offers were made to 280 students, including 28 international offers. Companies like McKinsey & Co, AT Kearney, Ernst & Young, Accenture, Deloitte Consulting, KPMG, PriceWaterhouseCoopers, TSMG, TAS and Bristlecone visited the campus for final placements.

XLRI: The campus recruitment process at XLRI this year saw a 50 percent rise in average salary offered by the biggest companies across industries. The average salary offered was Rs 12.6 lakh per annum, while the median was Rs 13.06 lakh per annum, reflecting the placement performance of this institute. The lowest salary offered at the institute was Rs 8.6 lakh per annum, while highest domestic salary offered was Rs 16 lakh per annum. There were 10 foreign offers, with an average of $85000 (around Rs 38 lakh) and a highest of $100,000 (around Rs 50 lakh). Consulting majors made a beeline to XLRI, making 24 per cent of the offers.

Obituary

2007-03-09T17:48:00.000+05:30

From:

Sent: Friday, March 09, 2007 5:09 PM
To:
Subject: Obituary

Hi,

With heart felt grief and a heavy throat, I am announcing the untimely demise of our beloved friends - Pinkoo and Dinkoo - the lovely Cockroaches in our coffee vending machines.

Pinkoo used to live in the dark corners of the Nescafe machine of the EMEA cafeteria. His best friend Dinkoo lived in - the home across the road - in the LIPTON machine.
While Pinkoo was roaming around for groceries in the internal cups of the Nescafe' machine yesterday, one of my colleagues unwittingly pushed the tea serving button - In a flash, the cockroach was flushed into the cup, only to be later found as an Elaichi-like-thing in the mouth....

Fortunately, the dead body was rescued, and post mortem revealed "Death due to negligence", and my dear colleague has not been accused of the crime.
The body of our beloved Pinkoo was cremated with full state honours, and 21 gun salute.

However, little did we know that Dinkoo would not be able to bear this personal loss... and in utter grief, has committed suicide today by jumping into my "lemon tea" cup. (Lipton machine)

Strange are the ways of life... 2 losses in 2 consecutive days.... I cannot help but appreciate the sense of together in Pinkoo and Dinkoo... While most of the people in the world now-a-days Use friends and even family members for their benefits.... some people live their entire lives for the cause of others, and even share their destinies.